I'm rapidly approaching a milestone birthday and for several
months have seriously pondered the concept of “growing older. ”No, not those
age-old, oh-so-tired clichés. You know the ones, “use it or lose it,” “getting
old is not for sissies,” and those who vow, “to go kicking and screaming into
old age.” I admit I've been guilty of using the last one on more than one
occasion.
Recently, actually serendipitously, I came across Lots of Candles,
Plenty of Cake: A Memoir of a Woman’s Life by Anna Quindlen. A quote by Søren Kierkegaard
quickly sets the tone of her book, “Life must be lived forward but understood
backward.”
Like Quindlen, who looks back over her life in her latest book, I've been looking back over the last three
years where I've weathered a few life-changing events. Some good, some not so
good. In that time I've learned a lot about myself and about life.
Quindlen writes: Life is haphazard. We plan, and then we deal
when plans go awry. Control is an illusion; best intentions are the best we can
do. I remember imagining that I could chart a course that would take me from
one place to another. I thought I had a handle on my future. But the future, it
turns out, is not a tote bag.
It often seems,
looking back, that the unexpected comes to define us, the paths we didn’t see
coming and may have wandered down by mistake. The older we get the more willing
we are to follow those, to surprise ourselves. After all, all we can do is
fail, and failure loses so much of its sting over time. We not only know how to
fall, we know how to get up. We’ve done it so often. This is an invaluable
lesson because we’re often told, “failure is not an option.” Of course it's an
option!! Failure teaches us what won't work so we can move on to find what
will.
I recently built my first website from scratch for a local
church. While I was eager to take on this project, I had no idea how I was going
to do it but deep down I heard a voice say, calmly and with conviction,
"You can do this." If this opportunity had occurred fifteen or twenty
years ago I would've been consumed by fear and worry.
Again, Quindlen
writes: Eleanor Roosevelt once famously said that it was important to do
something every day that scared you, and it’s a pretty good piece of advice.
But it’s more challenging when you’re older because you’re afraid of fewer
things. (So very true.) Perhaps
instead of scaring ourselves we need to surprise ourselves every day. We are, after all, always a work in
progress.(Emphasis mine. We so often forget this) There were things I hadn’t done, didn’t
know, couldn’t imagine at fifty that have all come true in the last decade.
There must be such things in the decades to come as well. They arrive not
because of the engraved invitations of careful planning but through happy
happenstance, doodles on the to-do list of life. This is happening to me
right now and I’m loving and enjoying, every minute of it! I can’t wait to see
what happens next!!
So much of our
knee-jerk negative response to aging is a societal construct. It’s yet another
version of the conflict that shapes, sometimes deforms, our lives, the conflict
between what we really want and what we’re told we ought to desire. We are
supposed to think that young is better. But we know deep inside, in the ways
that count, that better is now.
As a result, I prefer "growing older" to
"getting older." Let's face it, we're all "getting" older
but some of us aren't "growing" older. By this I mean we're not
trying, learning or doing new things. My Dad died of cancer at 47 and my Mom
has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore. The probability of me
contracting and or dying of either or both of these diseases is high. But for
now, and that's all we ever have, I'm working hard to stay healthy and be
active for as long as I can.
Quindlen has been accused of painting a rosy picture of
“growing older.” But she doesn’t. Not at all. Granted we all have health and
life issues, some more so than others but old age doesn’t have to be the
elephant in the room society would have us believe. While most of us dread, if
not cringe, the thought of getting older, we will all approach it
differently.
As I approach this milestone
birthday I find I’ve mellowed and when people ask me how I am, I often reply,
"I'm vertical and that's a good thing."
Lots of Candles,
Plenty of Cake: A Memoir of a Woman’s Life is full of wisdom born of a life
filled with twists and turns. I leave you with one last
gerontological nugget from her book: That’s
the hallmark of aging, too, that we learn to go deeper, in our friendships, in
our family life, in our reflections on how we live and how we face the future.
The reason we develop an equanimity about our lives and ourselves is that we
have gone deep into what has real meaning.
Finally, "breathe" and keep in mind what Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “life
is a journey, not a destination.”
Namaste
Chris
Chris
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